Just Be Love*

The older I get, the more convinced I become that, in the end, it all comes down to a moment-by-moment battle between selfishness and selflessness. What’s the “all” you ask? Everything. Literally. The “winner” dictates the way we view, treat, and speak to and about ourselves, the way we relate to our significant others (spouses, partners, etc.), the way we friend and neighbor, the way we parent, the way we interact with colleagues, “subordinates”, and staff at work, the way we compete, the way we treat and consume our living spaces and the planet, how we view and respond to those in need (indeed, whether we see them at all), the words we speak, how we spend our money, all things social media, our politics (sorry, not sorry!), how we respond in times of crisis and in their aftermath, whether we’re creative or critical, our willingness to offer a helping hand (or two!) without being asked, whether we judge or empathize, and how and whether we listen – to name just a few examples.The problem is: We too often default to selfish. Most don’t do it intentionally, though some do. No, for most of us it’s reflexive. It’s been hard-wired into our DNA since the beginning of time, when our predominate need (real or imagined) was self-preservation. Regrettably, it’s part of what makes us human, but, paradoxically, it’s also what stands in the way of our being and experiencing what it means to be fully human and sharing it with others. It’s the voice inside that tells us to pull away from significant others, friends, family members, or colleagues in the midst or wake of a disagreement, rather than leaning in close and doubling down on love and compassion. It’s what causes us to lash out or shut down in the face of well-intended and even constructive criticism and to be quick to judge words, circumstances, and behaviors of others (friends and strangers alike), rather than seeking to understand them. It’s also the birthplace of our always needing to be right regardless of the relational cost and the “my way or the highway” mentality that increasingly seems to be the rule of the day.There is another way. Admittedly, it’s a bit counter-cultural. Some might even say - revolutionary. The good news is: Unlike the recipe for Coca Cola® or the Colonel’s seasoning blend, it’s not a secret. Never has been. However, because it’s contrary to every fiber in our being, it requires constant and considerable intention that few are willing to commit to, especially when they discover: that their new found lifestyle will be tested and challenged at every turn; that more often than not, it will seem counter-intuitive and not what the situation, the conduct, or the recipient seemingly “deserves”; that, on occasion, it will demand sacrifice (lots of it); that for extended periods of time it may go unreciprocated; and that, at times, it can be exhausting. But the rewards of living it (to you and those whose paths you cross), the healing it engenders, the peace (of mind and spirit) it promotes, the bridges to emotional intimacy it builds, and the sense of exhale it gives way to are unspeakably rich, beautiful, life-changing, and enduring. I know, because I’ve seen it in action!Just be Love. That’s it!  It’s that simple and that complicated. But, not just any kind of love – feel it in your bones kind of love; steadfast, not going anywhere (other than by your side) – ever - kind of love; pick you up, dust you off, and, if necessary, carry you on my back to safety kind of love; four-legged friend kind of love; constant, unwavering, and unconditional kind of love; predictable as the sunrise, reliable, patient kind of love; desirous of understanding kind of love; slow to criticize, let alone judge kind of love; childlike, honest, transparent kind of love; “your burdens, brokenness, and pain are mine too” kind of love; “together we’ll work whatever it is out” kind of love; “you are never alone” kind of love; any hour of the day or night kind of love; given freely with no strings attached kind of love, willing to get messy kind of love, run into a burning building kind of love; guide you home kind of love. I know it sounds impossible. I also know it’s not. Difficult? Yes. Undoable? No. Capable of being done perfectly? No. Worth doing however imperfectly? Absolutely!Where do you start? With those closest to you. And, without any fanfare. Challenge yourself to live this way – to Just Be Love - with those you profess to love for the next 24 hours. What does that look like? It looks like prioritizing their needs, beginning with what has replaced self-preservation as the human heart’s predominate one: to be seen, to be heard, to be accepted, and to have greater emotional intimacy – and placing yours on the back burner. Maybe it looks like undistracted time in conversation or at play or both with your children. Maybe it looks like a book at bedtime. With a spouse, it might look like a hand held, honoring their need for quiet time, a long overdue, non-lame hug (or, better yet, end of day or break of dawn snuggles – heck, do both!), or a word of affection, affirmation, or encouragement. Whatever the “moment” brings, filter it through a prism of the love described above and reflect it back in your words and actions. I’m virtually certain it'll be contagious and that, by day’s end, your needs (as well as theirs) will have been met, your heart and soul will be fully replenished, and you’ll not only be ready, but eager to start all over again tomorrow. And then, bring it to work!You most certainly won’t “win” all the “moment battles”, but you’ll win a lot of them and your world, our world will be immeasurably better because of it!*The grainy, "non-digital" photo that introduces this post was taken 41 years ago, when “love” was young. We lost A LOT of precious “moment battles”, individually and as a couple, between its taking and today.  But, we’ve also been through A LOT and we “won” our share of them – mostly in spite of ourselves - along the way. Today, thankfully, we win MOST of them and it’s attributable to intentionality and learning, through the grace of God, to surrender and JUST BE LOVE!