We Share A Heart - A Wedding Toast
Many of you have never met the Blackwell’s before. Ashley once said, “We’re the group that put the “fun” back in dysfunction!” I’m not sure I’m ready to fully embrace that description of us quite yet, but there’s no doubt we’re different than most. For starters, we believe in Real Talk. We’re not afraid to put it all out there – the good and the not-so-good. Michael knows that about us – and, remarkably, he’s still here. But, I felt it important to let the rest of you know it before I deliver the opening line of my toast, so that you don’t drop your glasses or wonder if I pulled out the right remarks. I’d prefer that you didn’t - and I assure you I have. Oh, and one more housekeeping item: I’ve been known to cry at Little League baseball games, so there’s virtually no chance I’m gonna make it thru this toast without someone having to mop the floor!
Truth is: I wasn’t always sure about Michael.
You’re probably thinking: “Well, that’s understandable. It’s the dad/daughter thing. You know the dad who thinks his little girl hangs the moon, that she’s the kindest, brightest, funniest, most compassionate, creative, empathetic, and loving person on the planet and, as a result, is certain that no guy is – or ever will be – worthy of her.” Don’t get me wrong, Ashley. In my eyes, you are (and always have been) all of those things and more – and I’m sure there was some of that in the beginning. But, that’s not the reason.
You see, in addition to her many attributes, I’ll be the first to admit that my daughter – our daughter – is one complicated young lady. And, I should know, because she and I share the same heart. WE FEEL IT ALL and, often times, we’re not bashful about sharing those feelings with the same level of intensity that we experience them, especially with those with whom we feel safest and love the most. Did I mention that, at times, she can also be a bit impulsive, impatient, stubborn as a mule, is quick to be critical of herself and others, and almost never sleeps through the night?!? Oops, I guess I just did. Sorry about that, Ash!
No, my concerns about Michael were rooted in something much deeper: His willingness (and capacity) to deal with all that - and still keep loving.
But, those concerns disappeared 2½ years ago.
I was on my way to work early one morning when I received a text from Michael. I’d known that he and Ashley had had a very difficult night and I’d texted him just to make sure both of them were doing okay. His response made my heart sink: “The evening didn’t end well,” he began. “We both said things to each other, we now wish we hadn’t. And, it left us wondering where we go from here. I’m just driving around unsure what to do next.” As tears began to trickle down the sides of my face, I pulled off the road and wrote him back.
“Michael,” I began, “I don’t have any magic words, let alone answers for you and Ashley. Only the two of you can make decisions where your relationship is concerned. But, let me offer this truth that it took me WAY TOO LONG to learn: Love doesn't run away from hurt. It leans in and moves towards it. Love also doesn't add to hurt that’s already there with judgment, guilt, or shame. It offers empathy and forgiveness instead and redoubles its efforts to be part of the healing. Because Love sees beyond - beyond the flaws, beyond the brokenness, beyond the missteps. It sees the beautiful.”
“Trust me,” I continued: “That’s always been true when it comes to Ashley's love for you. She has consistently seen something - many things - about you worth fighting for, even though, at times, it's been through tears. And, fight for you she has. I also know this: For all her intensity and complexity, Ashley is one of the most extraordinary human beings I've ever known - and well worth the effort. Know that Cyndy and I are praying for you guys, because we love you both and we're here to help or support in any way we can.”
I later learned that, not long after receiving that text, Michael went home and took Ashley in his arms.
That’s when I knew Michael was special. That’s when I knew he and Ashley have something special. You see, it’s not hard to find someone who loves (or at least professes to love) what I like to call the “auto-tuned” version of us, the us that the rest of the world sees, the us that’s a little too perfectly manicured and made-up, dressed just so, always on its best behavior, says all the right things at all the right times, knows what to do to fit in - and does it – usually with a big, albeit plastic smile.
The challenge is to find someone who fully embraces and loves our “acoustic self” - the stripped down, un-made-up version of us, the us whose voice cracks at the wrong times, who has anything but “everything under control”, who, at times, is a little grumpy and frumpy, who sometimes forgets the words, who doesn’t always hit the right note … the unvarnished and broken pieces of us, the us who is fearful, fragile, and, at times, uncertain of our worthiness.
We want to know there’s someone in the world willing to fight for ALL THAT IS US, who longs to be with it, whose heart aches in its absence – someone who cherishes it, sheds tears for it, passionately desires it. We want to know that there’s someone who will love when life is easy and we’re at our best – and who has the courage, strength, and resolve to love even harder when Life is hard, as it often is. I believe both of you have those unique attributes.
And I encourage you to nurture and share them liberally not only with each other, but in the world. Believe me: They are as rare as they are essential.
Michael, it is our great pleasure to officially welcome you into our family as a second son. And, Jan, Michael, and Rebecca we are thrilled to be joining our two families. As for the rest of you, my hope is that, in lifting your glasses, everyone in this room will silently commit to do whatever they can to support, encourage, and protect this very special couple in their life together. To Michael and Ashley!
https://tinyurl.com/4uzm9f86
